Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Princesses don't give blow jobs
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
