the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I need to stop coming to work sober
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
