I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
