I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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