I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize