I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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