Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
