Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
