Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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