Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
