Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize