I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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