we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize