forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
