Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Shame is for Republicans.
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