what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I smell like Dick and happiness
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
