if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Terrible idea I love it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
