Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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