Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
