You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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