I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
