i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
