how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
