4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
