She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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