I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
