When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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