i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
