Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
