she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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