just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
