I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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