I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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