she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
