Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
