I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
