After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
