i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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