It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
