Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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