When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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