Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
