I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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