sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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