I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
