Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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