Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
are you so shy because you have an std?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
