frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize