I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
