pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
