my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize