At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
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