So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
