I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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