Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
