Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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