The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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