you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
