i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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