I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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