We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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