Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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